Moving the Footprints of Fatherhood

Thanks for following me on this blog.
I have decided to move the Footprints to a new address:

http://footprintsoffatherhood.wordpress.com

I hope you will stay in touch with the Footprints of Fatherhood.

Privilege and Responsibility

Kids are all looking for a man to look up to.

So much of being a dad is my attitude.  I've been in Timmins, ON for a couple days speaking to numerous fathers, mothers, and people who work with families about the role of dad and where dads find themselves in the world of families today.  We talked about stereotypes of dads, how dads "feel" about being a dad, how men change and adapt their lives once they become a father, how dads and moms parent differently (not better or worse than each other), and lots of other things.  It has been a very rewarding, educational, and inspiring trip.

But one thing has been ringing in my mind.  One of the fathers began talking about the power of attitude.  He saw the value of being properly focused on the purpose of raising his children (2 of them - one daughter, one son).  He talked about how immaturity can disrupt our parenting - making us more focused on our own needs than on the needs of the children.

Brilliant.  It really reinforced the point the we need to stay focused on what is best for children.  And remember that what is best for the child is not always what will make them happiest.  We need wisdom to help them make good choices, even if they don't "feel" it is the best.

So, that brings me to a couple of thoughts about privilege and responsibility . . .

Being a dad is a privilege - it is a gift.  My dictionary says that one meaning of privilege is:  

• something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing particular pleasure.  

It is a rare opportunity in that no one else will be the father of your children (though other men may influence your children) and it is a particular pleasure because your kids bring you many rewards.  It is something that only you will have with your kids.  It is something to not take for granted.
And with privilege comes responsibility - we can't avoid it.  If our kids are truly gifts to us, then we need to treat them that way - not as property, not as a right, not as an object - but with care, honour, and respect.  The responsibility is so important - and humbling.  I wonder if we too often hold on to the privilege without taking the responsibility as seriously as we need to.

And the dads who get this know the reward of balance.

Following the Guideposts

This picture was taken a couple of years ago.  Every year we go camping as a family for a couple of weeks in the summer.  I've been going to the same camp ground since I was 5.  My father instilled in me a love for nature, a respect for the elements, and the beauty of following a path to its end (even if you need to make your own from time to time).
You can see that this particular day was beautiful - a perfect sky contrasting with the deep greens of the forests of Northern Ontario.  We climbed this mountain, treading where many have tread before, but over the white granite terrain there was little opportunity for trail markers to be left for people to follow.  Few trees grew there to hang little, coloured tags.  There were some markers painted on the white rock to help guide the way.  And some people had build small piles of granite stones to remind them of their way.
Well, all this was not enough to keep us from losing our path, much to the chagrin of my girls, especially my youngest.  We wandered through the forest for almost an hour trying to find our way back to the trail we had been hiking.  Eventually, we caught sight of the top of the mountain where we had been and made for what we knew.  By and by we stumbled across the path that we had unknowingly left a while back and made it back to the campsite in time for dinner.

Children need a path to follow.  We can help lay that path for them to explore their world, find their strengths, and be an impact around them.  And a way that we can guide them by pointing them to the guideposts along their path.

• Dads can show where those guideposts are.  Like the little tags left dangling on the trees, we can help our children see their way when they aren't sure themselves.  
• Dads can leave the guidepost.  We can intentionally guide our children by directing behaviour, disciplining with purpose, and interfering in their choices when needed.
• Dads also need to be the follower.  There are times when children need to lead so they can test themselves and find their interests and purpose.  Dads need to be close at hand to give encouragement and direction when needed.

So realize that you are a key guide for your children.  They may lose their way from time to time, but may they know that they have a father who is always ready to guide them through the dark forest.  May they know that they are never alone.

A Dad's Purpose

Do you ever wonder why you are a dad?  I think we too often lose sight of the reason we are a dad – that there is a higher purpose to raising children.  It is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day activities of caring for children that we forget we are raising our children.  What does it mean to raise a child?  When a farmer raises cattle, he feeds them, shelters them, gives them a field to wander in because he is preparing them for something – either to be butchered and become a beautiful steak on my plate, or to gather the milk, or to raise more cattle to keep his farm going.  When we raise children, we are preparing them for something, too.

        We are preparing them for living a productive life in a big world.   This means we must consider the reason for why we play, why we discipline, we why communicate, etc.   “Why” is an important question.  It lets us ask about the reasons for something.    This goes beyond the “how”.  It gives purpose to the how; it motivates us to relate to our kids when they are frustrating us, when they have just poked a hole in the basement wall and are proud of it, when they come home late again without calling, when they continually ask us “why Dad?”.  So I ask you, “Why are you a father of your children?” 

I would like to suggest an answer to why you are a dad.  You are the one who is to prepare them for the big world.  As they grow, they are learning how to accept themselves by the way you accept them.  They are learning how to make good decisions by the way you make decisions and guide them in making decisions.  They are learning how to interact with other people by the way you teach them to interact with other.  Teaching is both verbal direction and modeling behaviour.  In fact, our kids probably learn more from the way you act than the things you tell them. 

How do we prepare them for the world?  We make every moment with them intentional.  We need to stay alert to the “teachable moments” that come when we least expect it. 

·        We stay consistent with our words, expectations, discipline, and actions.

·        We spend time talking with them and practice good communication skills.

·        We express ourselves openly and respectfully.

·        We have clear rules in the home (and we follow them, too!)

·        We give meaningful consequences to misbehaviour.

·        We teach obedience with an open-mind.

I believe the results of all this is that we earn the trust and respect of our children.  When we have this trust and respect, we can more easily teach them about how to make good choices as they grow up.  This is helping our children grow to be wise.  Wisdom is the balance of being determined, sensitive, creative, committed, and self-controlled.  It positions a person to make good choices in their relationships, their work, and their interactions with society.  And the choices our children make will determine the course of their life.  If we, as fathers, choose to intentionally make a difference by living purposefully with our children, they will more likely grow to make wise choices for themselves and the ones they love.   

        Our view on fatherhood can so easily become narrowed to the caring that we lose the perspective on the preparing.  Preparing reminds us of the higher calling of being a dad.  It gives us a purpose and reminds us that there is more to life than working, spending bit of time with the kids, watching TV, going to bed, waking up the next morning and doing it all over again.  In our interactions with our children we need to remember that all we say and do is preparing them for something - living a productive life in a big world.