The Main Thing

I've been wondering if there is one main thing that families look for from their dad.  We can list a whole bunch of things that a good father does - things like taking out the garbage, spending time with his family, working hard to provide a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, playing lots in appropriate ways with his kids, loving and respecting mom, changing diapers, going to parent-teacher meetings, helping with the homework, protecting his girls from the boys, showing his boys how to be men.  All of these are good things done by good men.

But is there one key thing that dads need to do?  Is there one thing that will, despite all the mistakes I may make, be the main role or function that without any doubt will leave a lasting, positive impression on my kids?

Building trust.  How do we do it?  By leading by example.  By being a man worthy of our kids' devotion.

Here's how we do it:

• practice patience
• live a joyful life
• treat others with kindness
• be at peace with yourself and others
• live with integrity - what you see from me is who I am whether you are there or not
• exercise self-control
• be gentle with words and actions
• be faithful to the ones you care about the most

This is nurturing.  This is creating an environment that encourages our children to thrive.

Kids are looking for a leader to follow.  They are living to see a man who takes initiative in his relationships.  Having this role model who earns the right to be respected rallies a child to trust that man.  And when they don't trust their dad, they will go looking other places for someone else to lead them.

So, trust is the main thing.  Trust is not given by kids - though they are longing for a dad they can trust.  Trust is earned by being consistent in their lives over the course of time.

And like with anything that makes a difference, we need to keep the "main thing" the main thing.  And that may be the biggest challenge we will ever face.

What is your "main thing"?

Every Child Needs a Hero Pt 2

Every child needs a hero.  Dads have an opportunity and a responsibility to be a hero for their families.  Here are some things that heros do:

Heroes give a person clear direction.  They choose the good and are an example to those who follow.  A heroic father sets a good example for his children – in his actions, his language, his friendships, his relationship with mom, what he watches on TV, etc.  He is laying the footprints down for his child to follow.  A hero has tested the world.  He has walked in it and his child can see clearly where he has walked.  When your child is able to clearly see where you are leaving footprints, he will see the way through life that has been tried and tested.  He will learn to trust.

Part of giving direction is using effective discipline to correct and train your child.  The purpose of discipline is to teach self-discipline; it is to give a child the opportunity to learn how to make good choices now and later in life – choices that reflect social responsibility and care for relationships and people.   A hero dad will effectively and purposefully discipline his child.

Heroes are not afraid to face their mistakes.  They are willing to learn and grow and ask forgiveness when necessary.  Many times I have messed up in relating with my daughters.  Just the other day, I heard two of them arguing over a toy and I blew into the room and took the toy away with hardly a word.  This escalated the situation because now they were both ticked with me.  I realized my mistake and backed away.  This gave me an opportunity to tell them I had handled the situation wrong and we were able to talk about it.  

There is something inviting in the eyes of a child who is hearing their hero say “I’m sorry”.  I saw that in both my daughters’ eyes that day.  It was a look of respect and appreciation.  I hope they learn that we all make mistakes and that real heroes take responsibility for the ways we mess up.

Heroes let others take responsibility for their own lives.  A hero is not a person who fixes everything or does everything for someone.  Instead, he allows another person to do what they can.  In fact, the true hero brings out the hero inside of us.  He encourages and enables others to find their abilities and live them out.  The dad who spends time listening to his child’s dreams of the future and takes him seriously is already planting the seed for a new hero – one who will become the role model for someone else.  But this father must do more than listen to the dreams.  He must act on them so that the child does not become embittered or resentful or fearful.  A heroic father gives his child space to grow and learn.  But the key here is “listen”.  You can’t know what your child’s dreams are if you don’t pay attention to what she says, how she plays, or what holds her attention.  Ask yourself what you can do to become a student of your child.

Heroes are truly heroic when they help those who cannot help themselves –like a firefighter in a blazing house who rushes in to save the child trapped high above, or the man who jumps into freezing water to lift the drowning child onto dry ground, or the father who stays home from work to be with his son after the death of his grandfather.  A child comes into this world with no ability to help himself – except the piercing screams of “Where’s that nipple?!”  Your child can and will grow to learn to help himself, but for much of the first 6 . . . 10 . . .16 . . . 30 years of life, there are moments where you need to step in and help your child.  He is learning how to live and this means there are times when he will be in over his head and his hero needs to be there.  Heroes intervene.  Sometimes heroes need to intervene when a person doesn’t think they are in danger – like telling your child not to cross the road, or to not hang out with a certain friend, or to change the channel on the TV.  These are sometimes the hardest interventions because the child does not realize the danger - but you do.  And he will learn to trust your interventions when they are given with respect, consistency, and as clear an explanation as in possible.

    So Dad, what are you doing to be the hero in your family?  What obstacles do you need to face in order to be with your child?  You may need to rethink the amount of time you spend at work.  You may need to take responsibility for some of your attitudes or actions.  It doesn’t matter if you are married, living together, or separated.  You, Dad, need to be a hero to your children and there may be seemingly impossible odds you are up against.  Your child may be in the care of a child welfare agency.  The mother of your child may not be allowing you to see your child.  You may work 12-14 hours a day and have little time or energy for your child when you are home.  You need to find a way to be the hero, and the first heroic action may be to deal with the barriers that are in the way of you being involved in your child’s life.  So face these barriers.  Deal with them.  Get to your child and let him watch your good example as he grows up.  Your son needs you.  Your daughter needs you.  And though sons and daughters need different things from you, they both need you to be a hero.

Every Child Needs a Hero Pt 1

What is it about comic books and movies that are so attractive to a kid?  After watching Spiderman or Batman or any other superhero movie, I am always amazed at the number of children who are always in the theatre.  Children who are soaking up the adventure, the danger, the action, somehow knowing that these are important elements of a life lived well.  It made me think of my life as a child and my own love for Spiderman (though the graphics weren’t as spectacular back then!).  A theme that threads its way through the movie is one of being a hero, of putting aside your own dreams for the sake of something bigger, more significant, more relevant to the greater good.  And as the choice is made to accept the responsibility of being a hero, life does begin to make sense, though not always in the ways that are expected.

Kids need a hero.  They are drawn to people who rise above their ordinary life and become something bigger. This is why boys pretend to be Superman and jump off walls just a little too high and girls pretend to be princesses waiting for the hero to come and rescue them.  Or sometimes the boys stand on the wall and cry because they have got themselves up over their heads and girls rush to be the doctor who saves the sick puppy.  Children need both experiences – to be a hero in their own story and to be saved by a hero who is stronger than them.   Our children are looking for a dad who will be a hero for them – who will show them how to live in the world and will protect and guide them.  But they also need a dad who allows them to be a hero and to learn what their abilities and limitation are.


Watch next time for some other thoughts on how dads can be a hero for their children

Strong Fathers Make a Difference

Do I have what it takes to be the father my children need me to be?

It's a question that many men have.  Some guys ask it early - as soon as the little stick reads "Honey, I'm pregnant".  For other guys these things can take a while to sink in and its not until we are holding that wrinkly, shriveled bundle of joy that we suddenly realize "There is more to being a man than I first thought."  And still others of us don't grasp the gravity of the situation until our child suddenly talks back to us and we are awakened to the reality that "Boy, have I got a job to do with this kid."  And for those of us who don't get with the program until our child is suddenly graduating college . . . well, I'll leave that one be for now.

"Do I have what it takes to be the man my child needs me to be?"  This was first posed to me in a little book called "You Have What It Takes", by John Eldredge.  And I appreciate the perspective.  Too often men are assumed to be lacking, deficient, bumbling, and disinterested in their role as a father.  Parenting can be assumed to be mom's territory and dad just fills in now and then with a good laugh, an overzealous tickle fight, or a trip to McDonald's (for those of you with iron stomachs).  We need to change the assumption to Eldredge's language - you DO have what it takes.  Regardless of the question, you DO have the ability to care, nurture, enjoy, guide, communicate with, rough-house, irritate, embarrass, love, cherish, and lead your child.  That is what this blog is about - a man's innate ability to be the father his child needs, regardless of his past, of the number of children he has (and they will all need something different from you), of whether or not work lets you off for doctor's appointment, of how your father treated you, of how your mother treated you, of the relationship with your child's mom, of the expectations of the school, of the ways your child acts in public, or of the assumptions the world makes about dads in general.  You can lead a child to become a strong, resilient, healthy, vibrant, functioning adult (after all, we are raising adults, not children, you know).
So join me on this journey.  Pass your thoughts on to me through the comments.  A dad's life is a journey - and it is one that needs not be travelled alone.
Let's be the strong fathers our children need us to be.
www.strongfathers.ca