Moving the Footprints of Fatherhood

Thanks for following me on this blog.
I have decided to move the Footprints to a new address:

http://footprintsoffatherhood.wordpress.com

I hope you will stay in touch with the Footprints of Fatherhood.

Privilege and Responsibility

Kids are all looking for a man to look up to.

So much of being a dad is my attitude.  I've been in Timmins, ON for a couple days speaking to numerous fathers, mothers, and people who work with families about the role of dad and where dads find themselves in the world of families today.  We talked about stereotypes of dads, how dads "feel" about being a dad, how men change and adapt their lives once they become a father, how dads and moms parent differently (not better or worse than each other), and lots of other things.  It has been a very rewarding, educational, and inspiring trip.

But one thing has been ringing in my mind.  One of the fathers began talking about the power of attitude.  He saw the value of being properly focused on the purpose of raising his children (2 of them - one daughter, one son).  He talked about how immaturity can disrupt our parenting - making us more focused on our own needs than on the needs of the children.

Brilliant.  It really reinforced the point the we need to stay focused on what is best for children.  And remember that what is best for the child is not always what will make them happiest.  We need wisdom to help them make good choices, even if they don't "feel" it is the best.

So, that brings me to a couple of thoughts about privilege and responsibility . . .

Being a dad is a privilege - it is a gift.  My dictionary says that one meaning of privilege is:  

• something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing particular pleasure.  

It is a rare opportunity in that no one else will be the father of your children (though other men may influence your children) and it is a particular pleasure because your kids bring you many rewards.  It is something that only you will have with your kids.  It is something to not take for granted.
And with privilege comes responsibility - we can't avoid it.  If our kids are truly gifts to us, then we need to treat them that way - not as property, not as a right, not as an object - but with care, honour, and respect.  The responsibility is so important - and humbling.  I wonder if we too often hold on to the privilege without taking the responsibility as seriously as we need to.

And the dads who get this know the reward of balance.

Following the Guideposts

This picture was taken a couple of years ago.  Every year we go camping as a family for a couple of weeks in the summer.  I've been going to the same camp ground since I was 5.  My father instilled in me a love for nature, a respect for the elements, and the beauty of following a path to its end (even if you need to make your own from time to time).
You can see that this particular day was beautiful - a perfect sky contrasting with the deep greens of the forests of Northern Ontario.  We climbed this mountain, treading where many have tread before, but over the white granite terrain there was little opportunity for trail markers to be left for people to follow.  Few trees grew there to hang little, coloured tags.  There were some markers painted on the white rock to help guide the way.  And some people had build small piles of granite stones to remind them of their way.
Well, all this was not enough to keep us from losing our path, much to the chagrin of my girls, especially my youngest.  We wandered through the forest for almost an hour trying to find our way back to the trail we had been hiking.  Eventually, we caught sight of the top of the mountain where we had been and made for what we knew.  By and by we stumbled across the path that we had unknowingly left a while back and made it back to the campsite in time for dinner.

Children need a path to follow.  We can help lay that path for them to explore their world, find their strengths, and be an impact around them.  And a way that we can guide them by pointing them to the guideposts along their path.

• Dads can show where those guideposts are.  Like the little tags left dangling on the trees, we can help our children see their way when they aren't sure themselves.  
• Dads can leave the guidepost.  We can intentionally guide our children by directing behaviour, disciplining with purpose, and interfering in their choices when needed.
• Dads also need to be the follower.  There are times when children need to lead so they can test themselves and find their interests and purpose.  Dads need to be close at hand to give encouragement and direction when needed.

So realize that you are a key guide for your children.  They may lose their way from time to time, but may they know that they have a father who is always ready to guide them through the dark forest.  May they know that they are never alone.

A Dad's Purpose

Do you ever wonder why you are a dad?  I think we too often lose sight of the reason we are a dad – that there is a higher purpose to raising children.  It is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day activities of caring for children that we forget we are raising our children.  What does it mean to raise a child?  When a farmer raises cattle, he feeds them, shelters them, gives them a field to wander in because he is preparing them for something – either to be butchered and become a beautiful steak on my plate, or to gather the milk, or to raise more cattle to keep his farm going.  When we raise children, we are preparing them for something, too.

        We are preparing them for living a productive life in a big world.   This means we must consider the reason for why we play, why we discipline, we why communicate, etc.   “Why” is an important question.  It lets us ask about the reasons for something.    This goes beyond the “how”.  It gives purpose to the how; it motivates us to relate to our kids when they are frustrating us, when they have just poked a hole in the basement wall and are proud of it, when they come home late again without calling, when they continually ask us “why Dad?”.  So I ask you, “Why are you a father of your children?” 

I would like to suggest an answer to why you are a dad.  You are the one who is to prepare them for the big world.  As they grow, they are learning how to accept themselves by the way you accept them.  They are learning how to make good decisions by the way you make decisions and guide them in making decisions.  They are learning how to interact with other people by the way you teach them to interact with other.  Teaching is both verbal direction and modeling behaviour.  In fact, our kids probably learn more from the way you act than the things you tell them. 

How do we prepare them for the world?  We make every moment with them intentional.  We need to stay alert to the “teachable moments” that come when we least expect it. 

·        We stay consistent with our words, expectations, discipline, and actions.

·        We spend time talking with them and practice good communication skills.

·        We express ourselves openly and respectfully.

·        We have clear rules in the home (and we follow them, too!)

·        We give meaningful consequences to misbehaviour.

·        We teach obedience with an open-mind.

I believe the results of all this is that we earn the trust and respect of our children.  When we have this trust and respect, we can more easily teach them about how to make good choices as they grow up.  This is helping our children grow to be wise.  Wisdom is the balance of being determined, sensitive, creative, committed, and self-controlled.  It positions a person to make good choices in their relationships, their work, and their interactions with society.  And the choices our children make will determine the course of their life.  If we, as fathers, choose to intentionally make a difference by living purposefully with our children, they will more likely grow to make wise choices for themselves and the ones they love.   

        Our view on fatherhood can so easily become narrowed to the caring that we lose the perspective on the preparing.  Preparing reminds us of the higher calling of being a dad.  It gives us a purpose and reminds us that there is more to life than working, spending bit of time with the kids, watching TV, going to bed, waking up the next morning and doing it all over again.  In our interactions with our children we need to remember that all we say and do is preparing them for something - living a productive life in a big world. 

A Father's Fight to Find His Baby : People.com

A Father's Fight to Find His Baby : People.com

This is quite the story. I applaud Brandon for his persistence. Fortunately for little Peter, his father had the resources, the interest, and the drive to go to his son - half-way around the planet.

But bringing it closer to home for all of us, I wonder what things all dads need to be doing to be persistent as we are guiding our kids. What about the persistence to not lose our cool when they are clearly losing theirs, or the persistence to hold fast when they are demanding that popsicle we've said "no" to a thousand times in the last half hour. Or what about the persistence that says you are coming home at 10:00 because that is when you need to be home.

Persistence in the setting of limits is tough, yet it is one of the most valuable gifts we can give to our children. They push our boundaries, they challenge our resolve, they compare us to the dad down the street. But deep down they are screaming for us to NOT give in, to bend but not break, to NOT let them have their way all the time. They need us to be consistent with our persistence. Our solid footing gives them security, safety, and most of all it builds up that 5 letter word I believe is the most important word of all - TRUST.

When we break they wonder if they can trust us. When we persist, they are learning they can trust us.

Just remember that in our persistence we bend, we don't break. Bending means there is grace, mercy, understanding, communication, and love. It shows we are listening and that we care.

Thanks, Brandon, for your persistence in finding your boy. May we all have that tenacity as we leave clear footprints for our children.

I See You . . .

"I see you."
It's a beautiful line in "Avatar", the movie by James Cameron.
"I see you."
It is the greeting given by the Omaticaya people meaning that they show deep appreciation for each other and affirm the presence of the other.  They don't see the trappings and posturing of each other - they see each other for who they really are.  It is a sign of deep respect.

As with so many things, this makes me again consider my children.  Do I really see them?  Do I truly appreciate them for who they are meant to be?  It is easy to get caught up in the trappings of what I think my kids need to be like and what I think they should be.

If I really see my kids,

• I will treat them with sincerity and honour.
• I will respect their words and opinions. 
• I will appreciate their humour, 
• I will know their desires and dreams.
• I will follow their conversations and offer my guidance and wisdom as necessary.

Truly seeing my kids means I pay close attention to them and to what is happening around them.  And that is paying attention to what matters to them and to the big picture of their lives.  Perhaps seeing takes more listening than I thought - to see them with my eyes and my ears allows me to see them with my heart more clearly.

Really seeing someone means you need to look into their eyes - deeply.  If we can honestly look our kids in the eyes, they will learn to trust us.  Their eyes are what see us.  And who do they see?  Do they truly see me or do they see someone I'm pretending to be?  Good question.  Makes me wonder about the value of a life of integrity lived out in front of my kids.

I only pray that the attention I give leads them to believe they have been truly seen by a loving and interested father.

What helps you truly see your child?

Bring Your Best

I've started to meet with a couple of guys every couple of weeks to talk about our lives, share some stories, laugh about some things, challenge each other on other things, and even (gulp!) shed a tear when the time is right.  We are doing a couple of things through this:  1) raising the bar for each other as husbands, fathers, and employees;  2) holding each other accountable to the commitments and ideas we hold fast to;  3) lifting each other up on our shoulders to the height of the "raised bar".  It takes one level of friendship to talk about the raised bar.  It is another level entirely to be part of one another's attempts to hurdle that bar.  Fatherhood is best done in the presence of a brotherhood of like-minded men.  It is not meant to be in isolation.  Perhaps it is in the presence of others that we are inspired, challenged, and urged to bring our best.

In our discussion last week, we were talking about what the heck we were doing getting up early to meet at a local park for 7 AM.  What was going to keep us coming and getting together?  One guy mentioned that the accountability to a couple of guys was enough to get him there.  There was no way "I would be able to blow you guys off".

That was one of those comments that just sort of hung there, longing for a response, begging for one of us to reach out and grab it.  The pause was pregnant with "Brian, do you blow off your kids?"  Are there things my kids need from me that I ignore and avoid?  Are there things my kids are asking for from me I am either too dense to realize or am too busy to notice or am too afraid to acknowledge?

Here are a couple of questions I've decided to ask myself to check on this:

• are enough of my conversations deep enough with my girls?
• do we spend enough time laughing?
• do my girls hear me love and respect their mom?
• do I know my daughters' hearts? their dreams, desires, hopes, fears, and dislikes

This entry has gone off in a bit of a different direction than I first thought.  It's making me think of the classic Harry Chapin song, "Cats in the Cradle".  I don't want to find out too late that I've blown off my kids without even realizing it.

Any thoughts on how we "blow off" our kids and maybe some signs that we are doing this to them?

A Life of Sacrifice

It's 9:44 pm.
I have just got the kids to bed, my wife has gone to sleep, the laundry is spinning, and I've just finished an 11 hour work day.  Who said a dad doesn't do a "second shift" most days?

It got me thinking about what we sacrifice as fathers.  What do we give up because we have a family to be responsible for?   I see my time slips away.  I can't work on the wooden ship model I have as much as I'd like to.  There are movies I'd love to watch, but I know my kids would not enjoy them.  There is a saxophone gathering dust in the corner - not played since the end of college.  I sometimes wonder about joining a soccer league.  There are even things I would do with my job if I didn't have a family to care for.   But my time is given to more important things - like bedtime routines, tickle fights, back rubs, and conversations about Polly Pocket.

And I know there are men who sacrifice more than I do.  Men like those in a Dads Group I'm running right now.  Men who haven't seen their children for months and therefore sacrifice those bedtime routines, the spontaneous tickle fights, and the quiet back rubs.  These are men who come home to an empty house or apartment because their children just aren't there for whatever reason.  These are men who have time to watch those movies, work on a hobby, or spend extra hours at work because they don't have to rush home to anyone.  When I think of these guys, I wonder who is sacrificing more.

It makes me appreciate all the more the opportunity I have to sacrifice the things that don't last for those moments that build memories and a legacy.

It gives the sacrifice purpose.

What do you sacrifice for your children?

Tiger's Legacy - a swing of the club or a swing in the backyard

Just some miscellaneous ramblings about the man Tiger as father.  It is interesting how the world is divided on his return.  Some come down very angry and demeaning about his return to his job (and that is what golf is for him - a job).  Others are praising his ability to maintain his focus and intensity while his marriage is in ruin, his children are not with him, and all around him circles the mixture of jeers and praises, looking for a place to land.  Here is a man (a husband and father) who has publicly fallen from grace - a man so polished, so squeaky clean in image that anything hinting of disrepute seemed to slide off of him, like my fried egg out of my teflon pan this morning.

And then there is the new commercial - an emotionless Tiger looking into the eyes of his father (and therefore into you, the viewer's eyes).  Is this a look of repentance? of focus? of disinterest? of a teenager listening to the same lecture from his father for the thousandth time?  I don't know.  What I have heard is that Tiger's father was not a model of faithfulness as he modeled manhood and masculinity for his only child and so perhaps this commercial reflects a look of distrust.  And Tiger's life may be an example of how the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.  The legacy we leave is usually written in indelible ink.

And the news stories are all unclear on how things are going with his marriage.  Is Elin leaving?  Is she staying?  Is she angry he has returned to golf?  Just what is she thinking - and do I have the right to know?  No, I don't believe I do.

But I am forced to look at a twisted response our world has to husbanding, to fatherhood, to the roles men take.

I say "twisted" because, like Tiger, most men's occupations and performance at a job are seen as the marker of what makes a man.  The feeling that comes from so many angles is that "Tiger is amazing because he can come to work and focus on the tasks at hand without letting his private life get in the way."  He is lauded for his ability to compartmentalize his life.  He is rewarded for keeping those distractions like a wife and children from impacting his golf swing.  What about the response that says: "Tiger is amazing because he doesn't let his work get in the way of his private life, his fathering, or his marriage"?

When Tiger swings a golf club he leaves an impression and a legacy that will carry on after his death. Centuries from now people will likely be talking about the greatest golfer of the Twenty-first century: his professional legacy will be intact.  But will anyone be talking about his legacy as a father?  Who will his children be?  What difference will they be making in this world?  Does a golf swing make a better world for us all?  Or does taking responsibility for involving yourself in your marriage and with your children make a better world?

This whole situation forces me to wonder about society's priorities.  More is made about a man's performance at his job than of his performance as a father and husband.  Guys need role models who are not distracted by the fame or the work or the rewards and who choose to do the family thing because that is the best legacy they will ever leave.  Guys need to be the role models that do the same.  Children need to have fathers (men in their lives) who use work as one of the means to building a strong family.  And we all need to honour the men who make this kind of choice - who choose to be at the backyard swing and leave the golf swing for another day.

An Invitation to Follow

Dads are leaders in their families.  Dads are men who lead in many ways - with words, with actions, with looks, in the friends we choose, in the way we talk about work.  We lead in many ways; and in as many ways we leave an impact.

We lead by giving an invitation to our kids to follow us.

Following dad means going in the same direction he is going.  The choices we make will likely inspire our children to make the same choices.  When we are respectful of mom, our children treat their mom with care and consideration and love.  When we model diligence in our work, our children follow by applying themselves to their work (schooling).  When we are pure, content, loving, and thankful, our children follow by showing those characteristics themselves.

Following dad means choosing to give up a path they may want for themselves.  We need to encourage and allow our children to find their place in the world, but not at the expense of their safety or character, or with disrespect being paid to another.  Following dad means listening to his direction and discipline.  Being worthy of being followed means dads will give timely direction and respectful discipline that encourages a child to follow.

Following dad means staying focused on him and not being distracted by other "leaders" around.  Many things will vie for our child's attention.  Truly following means our child stays with us, and doesn't stray from us.  They may have other influences, but the key thing is that they can always come home to a dad who gives them attention.  They always have our attention, whether things are going well or things are going rough.

But all of us follow who we respect.  Be a man worthy of the  respect, trust, and affection of your child.  Be the leader your child needs you to be.

Survive or Thrive?

Have you ever noticed how many books and articles written for dads take a "survival" guide theme?  "A Survival Guide for the New Dad"  "Dad's Survival Guide to the Toddler Years"  "How a Dad Can Survive the Teenage Era".  And on one level, I get it.  Using a "survival guide" theme speaks to the urge in many men (and it may be a generalization) to be in the outdoors, standing against nature, braving the elements, fighting the good fight and then bringing the stories back to their wives, buddies, dogs, or to anyone who will listen.  We all love a good survival story.  And like a good football game where we armchair quarterback without really being in the battle for the pigskin, we sometimes live off the thrills and spills of other men who have "really been there".

But I wonder if there is more to being a dad than mere survival.  Survival implies a few things:

1. I'm barely hanging on - I exist despite an ordeal
2. I will barely make it to my destination
3. my journey has been full of struggle, tragedy, and near-death experiences
4. I've made it to something better where I no longer need to "just hang on"

There are times as a dad where it feels like we are just hanging on, where there seems more tragedy than triumph, and where I'm just waiting for this to all go away.  There are times when we don't see the way, when we wonder what is the best decision to make, and we wonder if this child will actually turn out OK or if I will seriously harm her development in some way.  At times, being a dad feels like mere survival.

But I want to raise the bar here.  If we settle for a survival mentality, we are selling ourselves and our children short.  We must thrive, not just survive.  Thriving carries the idea of living with vigor, developing intentionally, doing well.  There are a couple of things that help us thrive:

1. our focus - survivalist focus on the minimum required to just make it.  Thriving focuses on getting the most out of whatever situation we are given.
2. our attitude - survivalists have to be careful of pessimism.  The diaper is usually half empty.  Thriving means we focus on the possibilities - the diaper is only half full.
3. our relationship - thriving comes with building a trusting relationship with your child and living in a trusting relationship with others, especially mom.

I know being a dad can be tough.  What I'm trying to encourage here is not denial of the tough times, but rather taking an honest look at our attitude and focus.  Often the right attitude is what gets us through the tough stuff, more so than knowing the right thing to do.  Because, honestly, fathering is less about knowing the right thing to do than it is about having the right relationship, attitude, and focus.

What do you do that encourages thriving beyond surviving?

The Main Thing

I've been wondering if there is one main thing that families look for from their dad.  We can list a whole bunch of things that a good father does - things like taking out the garbage, spending time with his family, working hard to provide a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, playing lots in appropriate ways with his kids, loving and respecting mom, changing diapers, going to parent-teacher meetings, helping with the homework, protecting his girls from the boys, showing his boys how to be men.  All of these are good things done by good men.

But is there one key thing that dads need to do?  Is there one thing that will, despite all the mistakes I may make, be the main role or function that without any doubt will leave a lasting, positive impression on my kids?

Building trust.  How do we do it?  By leading by example.  By being a man worthy of our kids' devotion.

Here's how we do it:

• practice patience
• live a joyful life
• treat others with kindness
• be at peace with yourself and others
• live with integrity - what you see from me is who I am whether you are there or not
• exercise self-control
• be gentle with words and actions
• be faithful to the ones you care about the most

This is nurturing.  This is creating an environment that encourages our children to thrive.

Kids are looking for a leader to follow.  They are living to see a man who takes initiative in his relationships.  Having this role model who earns the right to be respected rallies a child to trust that man.  And when they don't trust their dad, they will go looking other places for someone else to lead them.

So, trust is the main thing.  Trust is not given by kids - though they are longing for a dad they can trust.  Trust is earned by being consistent in their lives over the course of time.

And like with anything that makes a difference, we need to keep the "main thing" the main thing.  And that may be the biggest challenge we will ever face.

What is your "main thing"?

Every Child Needs a Hero Pt 2

Every child needs a hero.  Dads have an opportunity and a responsibility to be a hero for their families.  Here are some things that heros do:

Heroes give a person clear direction.  They choose the good and are an example to those who follow.  A heroic father sets a good example for his children – in his actions, his language, his friendships, his relationship with mom, what he watches on TV, etc.  He is laying the footprints down for his child to follow.  A hero has tested the world.  He has walked in it and his child can see clearly where he has walked.  When your child is able to clearly see where you are leaving footprints, he will see the way through life that has been tried and tested.  He will learn to trust.

Part of giving direction is using effective discipline to correct and train your child.  The purpose of discipline is to teach self-discipline; it is to give a child the opportunity to learn how to make good choices now and later in life – choices that reflect social responsibility and care for relationships and people.   A hero dad will effectively and purposefully discipline his child.

Heroes are not afraid to face their mistakes.  They are willing to learn and grow and ask forgiveness when necessary.  Many times I have messed up in relating with my daughters.  Just the other day, I heard two of them arguing over a toy and I blew into the room and took the toy away with hardly a word.  This escalated the situation because now they were both ticked with me.  I realized my mistake and backed away.  This gave me an opportunity to tell them I had handled the situation wrong and we were able to talk about it.  

There is something inviting in the eyes of a child who is hearing their hero say “I’m sorry”.  I saw that in both my daughters’ eyes that day.  It was a look of respect and appreciation.  I hope they learn that we all make mistakes and that real heroes take responsibility for the ways we mess up.

Heroes let others take responsibility for their own lives.  A hero is not a person who fixes everything or does everything for someone.  Instead, he allows another person to do what they can.  In fact, the true hero brings out the hero inside of us.  He encourages and enables others to find their abilities and live them out.  The dad who spends time listening to his child’s dreams of the future and takes him seriously is already planting the seed for a new hero – one who will become the role model for someone else.  But this father must do more than listen to the dreams.  He must act on them so that the child does not become embittered or resentful or fearful.  A heroic father gives his child space to grow and learn.  But the key here is “listen”.  You can’t know what your child’s dreams are if you don’t pay attention to what she says, how she plays, or what holds her attention.  Ask yourself what you can do to become a student of your child.

Heroes are truly heroic when they help those who cannot help themselves –like a firefighter in a blazing house who rushes in to save the child trapped high above, or the man who jumps into freezing water to lift the drowning child onto dry ground, or the father who stays home from work to be with his son after the death of his grandfather.  A child comes into this world with no ability to help himself – except the piercing screams of “Where’s that nipple?!”  Your child can and will grow to learn to help himself, but for much of the first 6 . . . 10 . . .16 . . . 30 years of life, there are moments where you need to step in and help your child.  He is learning how to live and this means there are times when he will be in over his head and his hero needs to be there.  Heroes intervene.  Sometimes heroes need to intervene when a person doesn’t think they are in danger – like telling your child not to cross the road, or to not hang out with a certain friend, or to change the channel on the TV.  These are sometimes the hardest interventions because the child does not realize the danger - but you do.  And he will learn to trust your interventions when they are given with respect, consistency, and as clear an explanation as in possible.

    So Dad, what are you doing to be the hero in your family?  What obstacles do you need to face in order to be with your child?  You may need to rethink the amount of time you spend at work.  You may need to take responsibility for some of your attitudes or actions.  It doesn’t matter if you are married, living together, or separated.  You, Dad, need to be a hero to your children and there may be seemingly impossible odds you are up against.  Your child may be in the care of a child welfare agency.  The mother of your child may not be allowing you to see your child.  You may work 12-14 hours a day and have little time or energy for your child when you are home.  You need to find a way to be the hero, and the first heroic action may be to deal with the barriers that are in the way of you being involved in your child’s life.  So face these barriers.  Deal with them.  Get to your child and let him watch your good example as he grows up.  Your son needs you.  Your daughter needs you.  And though sons and daughters need different things from you, they both need you to be a hero.

Every Child Needs a Hero Pt 1

What is it about comic books and movies that are so attractive to a kid?  After watching Spiderman or Batman or any other superhero movie, I am always amazed at the number of children who are always in the theatre.  Children who are soaking up the adventure, the danger, the action, somehow knowing that these are important elements of a life lived well.  It made me think of my life as a child and my own love for Spiderman (though the graphics weren’t as spectacular back then!).  A theme that threads its way through the movie is one of being a hero, of putting aside your own dreams for the sake of something bigger, more significant, more relevant to the greater good.  And as the choice is made to accept the responsibility of being a hero, life does begin to make sense, though not always in the ways that are expected.

Kids need a hero.  They are drawn to people who rise above their ordinary life and become something bigger. This is why boys pretend to be Superman and jump off walls just a little too high and girls pretend to be princesses waiting for the hero to come and rescue them.  Or sometimes the boys stand on the wall and cry because they have got themselves up over their heads and girls rush to be the doctor who saves the sick puppy.  Children need both experiences – to be a hero in their own story and to be saved by a hero who is stronger than them.   Our children are looking for a dad who will be a hero for them – who will show them how to live in the world and will protect and guide them.  But they also need a dad who allows them to be a hero and to learn what their abilities and limitation are.


Watch next time for some other thoughts on how dads can be a hero for their children

Strong Fathers Make a Difference

Do I have what it takes to be the father my children need me to be?

It's a question that many men have.  Some guys ask it early - as soon as the little stick reads "Honey, I'm pregnant".  For other guys these things can take a while to sink in and its not until we are holding that wrinkly, shriveled bundle of joy that we suddenly realize "There is more to being a man than I first thought."  And still others of us don't grasp the gravity of the situation until our child suddenly talks back to us and we are awakened to the reality that "Boy, have I got a job to do with this kid."  And for those of us who don't get with the program until our child is suddenly graduating college . . . well, I'll leave that one be for now.

"Do I have what it takes to be the man my child needs me to be?"  This was first posed to me in a little book called "You Have What It Takes", by John Eldredge.  And I appreciate the perspective.  Too often men are assumed to be lacking, deficient, bumbling, and disinterested in their role as a father.  Parenting can be assumed to be mom's territory and dad just fills in now and then with a good laugh, an overzealous tickle fight, or a trip to McDonald's (for those of you with iron stomachs).  We need to change the assumption to Eldredge's language - you DO have what it takes.  Regardless of the question, you DO have the ability to care, nurture, enjoy, guide, communicate with, rough-house, irritate, embarrass, love, cherish, and lead your child.  That is what this blog is about - a man's innate ability to be the father his child needs, regardless of his past, of the number of children he has (and they will all need something different from you), of whether or not work lets you off for doctor's appointment, of how your father treated you, of how your mother treated you, of the relationship with your child's mom, of the expectations of the school, of the ways your child acts in public, or of the assumptions the world makes about dads in general.  You can lead a child to become a strong, resilient, healthy, vibrant, functioning adult (after all, we are raising adults, not children, you know).
So join me on this journey.  Pass your thoughts on to me through the comments.  A dad's life is a journey - and it is one that needs not be travelled alone.
Let's be the strong fathers our children need us to be.
www.strongfathers.ca