A Life of Sacrifice

It's 9:44 pm.
I have just got the kids to bed, my wife has gone to sleep, the laundry is spinning, and I've just finished an 11 hour work day.  Who said a dad doesn't do a "second shift" most days?

It got me thinking about what we sacrifice as fathers.  What do we give up because we have a family to be responsible for?   I see my time slips away.  I can't work on the wooden ship model I have as much as I'd like to.  There are movies I'd love to watch, but I know my kids would not enjoy them.  There is a saxophone gathering dust in the corner - not played since the end of college.  I sometimes wonder about joining a soccer league.  There are even things I would do with my job if I didn't have a family to care for.   But my time is given to more important things - like bedtime routines, tickle fights, back rubs, and conversations about Polly Pocket.

And I know there are men who sacrifice more than I do.  Men like those in a Dads Group I'm running right now.  Men who haven't seen their children for months and therefore sacrifice those bedtime routines, the spontaneous tickle fights, and the quiet back rubs.  These are men who come home to an empty house or apartment because their children just aren't there for whatever reason.  These are men who have time to watch those movies, work on a hobby, or spend extra hours at work because they don't have to rush home to anyone.  When I think of these guys, I wonder who is sacrificing more.

It makes me appreciate all the more the opportunity I have to sacrifice the things that don't last for those moments that build memories and a legacy.

It gives the sacrifice purpose.

What do you sacrifice for your children?

Tiger's Legacy - a swing of the club or a swing in the backyard

Just some miscellaneous ramblings about the man Tiger as father.  It is interesting how the world is divided on his return.  Some come down very angry and demeaning about his return to his job (and that is what golf is for him - a job).  Others are praising his ability to maintain his focus and intensity while his marriage is in ruin, his children are not with him, and all around him circles the mixture of jeers and praises, looking for a place to land.  Here is a man (a husband and father) who has publicly fallen from grace - a man so polished, so squeaky clean in image that anything hinting of disrepute seemed to slide off of him, like my fried egg out of my teflon pan this morning.

And then there is the new commercial - an emotionless Tiger looking into the eyes of his father (and therefore into you, the viewer's eyes).  Is this a look of repentance? of focus? of disinterest? of a teenager listening to the same lecture from his father for the thousandth time?  I don't know.  What I have heard is that Tiger's father was not a model of faithfulness as he modeled manhood and masculinity for his only child and so perhaps this commercial reflects a look of distrust.  And Tiger's life may be an example of how the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.  The legacy we leave is usually written in indelible ink.

And the news stories are all unclear on how things are going with his marriage.  Is Elin leaving?  Is she staying?  Is she angry he has returned to golf?  Just what is she thinking - and do I have the right to know?  No, I don't believe I do.

But I am forced to look at a twisted response our world has to husbanding, to fatherhood, to the roles men take.

I say "twisted" because, like Tiger, most men's occupations and performance at a job are seen as the marker of what makes a man.  The feeling that comes from so many angles is that "Tiger is amazing because he can come to work and focus on the tasks at hand without letting his private life get in the way."  He is lauded for his ability to compartmentalize his life.  He is rewarded for keeping those distractions like a wife and children from impacting his golf swing.  What about the response that says: "Tiger is amazing because he doesn't let his work get in the way of his private life, his fathering, or his marriage"?

When Tiger swings a golf club he leaves an impression and a legacy that will carry on after his death. Centuries from now people will likely be talking about the greatest golfer of the Twenty-first century: his professional legacy will be intact.  But will anyone be talking about his legacy as a father?  Who will his children be?  What difference will they be making in this world?  Does a golf swing make a better world for us all?  Or does taking responsibility for involving yourself in your marriage and with your children make a better world?

This whole situation forces me to wonder about society's priorities.  More is made about a man's performance at his job than of his performance as a father and husband.  Guys need role models who are not distracted by the fame or the work or the rewards and who choose to do the family thing because that is the best legacy they will ever leave.  Guys need to be the role models that do the same.  Children need to have fathers (men in their lives) who use work as one of the means to building a strong family.  And we all need to honour the men who make this kind of choice - who choose to be at the backyard swing and leave the golf swing for another day.

An Invitation to Follow

Dads are leaders in their families.  Dads are men who lead in many ways - with words, with actions, with looks, in the friends we choose, in the way we talk about work.  We lead in many ways; and in as many ways we leave an impact.

We lead by giving an invitation to our kids to follow us.

Following dad means going in the same direction he is going.  The choices we make will likely inspire our children to make the same choices.  When we are respectful of mom, our children treat their mom with care and consideration and love.  When we model diligence in our work, our children follow by applying themselves to their work (schooling).  When we are pure, content, loving, and thankful, our children follow by showing those characteristics themselves.

Following dad means choosing to give up a path they may want for themselves.  We need to encourage and allow our children to find their place in the world, but not at the expense of their safety or character, or with disrespect being paid to another.  Following dad means listening to his direction and discipline.  Being worthy of being followed means dads will give timely direction and respectful discipline that encourages a child to follow.

Following dad means staying focused on him and not being distracted by other "leaders" around.  Many things will vie for our child's attention.  Truly following means our child stays with us, and doesn't stray from us.  They may have other influences, but the key thing is that they can always come home to a dad who gives them attention.  They always have our attention, whether things are going well or things are going rough.

But all of us follow who we respect.  Be a man worthy of the  respect, trust, and affection of your child.  Be the leader your child needs you to be.

Survive or Thrive?

Have you ever noticed how many books and articles written for dads take a "survival" guide theme?  "A Survival Guide for the New Dad"  "Dad's Survival Guide to the Toddler Years"  "How a Dad Can Survive the Teenage Era".  And on one level, I get it.  Using a "survival guide" theme speaks to the urge in many men (and it may be a generalization) to be in the outdoors, standing against nature, braving the elements, fighting the good fight and then bringing the stories back to their wives, buddies, dogs, or to anyone who will listen.  We all love a good survival story.  And like a good football game where we armchair quarterback without really being in the battle for the pigskin, we sometimes live off the thrills and spills of other men who have "really been there".

But I wonder if there is more to being a dad than mere survival.  Survival implies a few things:

1. I'm barely hanging on - I exist despite an ordeal
2. I will barely make it to my destination
3. my journey has been full of struggle, tragedy, and near-death experiences
4. I've made it to something better where I no longer need to "just hang on"

There are times as a dad where it feels like we are just hanging on, where there seems more tragedy than triumph, and where I'm just waiting for this to all go away.  There are times when we don't see the way, when we wonder what is the best decision to make, and we wonder if this child will actually turn out OK or if I will seriously harm her development in some way.  At times, being a dad feels like mere survival.

But I want to raise the bar here.  If we settle for a survival mentality, we are selling ourselves and our children short.  We must thrive, not just survive.  Thriving carries the idea of living with vigor, developing intentionally, doing well.  There are a couple of things that help us thrive:

1. our focus - survivalist focus on the minimum required to just make it.  Thriving focuses on getting the most out of whatever situation we are given.
2. our attitude - survivalists have to be careful of pessimism.  The diaper is usually half empty.  Thriving means we focus on the possibilities - the diaper is only half full.
3. our relationship - thriving comes with building a trusting relationship with your child and living in a trusting relationship with others, especially mom.

I know being a dad can be tough.  What I'm trying to encourage here is not denial of the tough times, but rather taking an honest look at our attitude and focus.  Often the right attitude is what gets us through the tough stuff, more so than knowing the right thing to do.  Because, honestly, fathering is less about knowing the right thing to do than it is about having the right relationship, attitude, and focus.

What do you do that encourages thriving beyond surviving?