Following the Guideposts

This picture was taken a couple of years ago.  Every year we go camping as a family for a couple of weeks in the summer.  I've been going to the same camp ground since I was 5.  My father instilled in me a love for nature, a respect for the elements, and the beauty of following a path to its end (even if you need to make your own from time to time).
You can see that this particular day was beautiful - a perfect sky contrasting with the deep greens of the forests of Northern Ontario.  We climbed this mountain, treading where many have tread before, but over the white granite terrain there was little opportunity for trail markers to be left for people to follow.  Few trees grew there to hang little, coloured tags.  There were some markers painted on the white rock to help guide the way.  And some people had build small piles of granite stones to remind them of their way.
Well, all this was not enough to keep us from losing our path, much to the chagrin of my girls, especially my youngest.  We wandered through the forest for almost an hour trying to find our way back to the trail we had been hiking.  Eventually, we caught sight of the top of the mountain where we had been and made for what we knew.  By and by we stumbled across the path that we had unknowingly left a while back and made it back to the campsite in time for dinner.

Children need a path to follow.  We can help lay that path for them to explore their world, find their strengths, and be an impact around them.  And a way that we can guide them by pointing them to the guideposts along their path.

• Dads can show where those guideposts are.  Like the little tags left dangling on the trees, we can help our children see their way when they aren't sure themselves.  
• Dads can leave the guidepost.  We can intentionally guide our children by directing behaviour, disciplining with purpose, and interfering in their choices when needed.
• Dads also need to be the follower.  There are times when children need to lead so they can test themselves and find their interests and purpose.  Dads need to be close at hand to give encouragement and direction when needed.

So realize that you are a key guide for your children.  They may lose their way from time to time, but may they know that they have a father who is always ready to guide them through the dark forest.  May they know that they are never alone.

A Dad's Purpose

Do you ever wonder why you are a dad?  I think we too often lose sight of the reason we are a dad – that there is a higher purpose to raising children.  It is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day activities of caring for children that we forget we are raising our children.  What does it mean to raise a child?  When a farmer raises cattle, he feeds them, shelters them, gives them a field to wander in because he is preparing them for something – either to be butchered and become a beautiful steak on my plate, or to gather the milk, or to raise more cattle to keep his farm going.  When we raise children, we are preparing them for something, too.

        We are preparing them for living a productive life in a big world.   This means we must consider the reason for why we play, why we discipline, we why communicate, etc.   “Why” is an important question.  It lets us ask about the reasons for something.    This goes beyond the “how”.  It gives purpose to the how; it motivates us to relate to our kids when they are frustrating us, when they have just poked a hole in the basement wall and are proud of it, when they come home late again without calling, when they continually ask us “why Dad?”.  So I ask you, “Why are you a father of your children?” 

I would like to suggest an answer to why you are a dad.  You are the one who is to prepare them for the big world.  As they grow, they are learning how to accept themselves by the way you accept them.  They are learning how to make good decisions by the way you make decisions and guide them in making decisions.  They are learning how to interact with other people by the way you teach them to interact with other.  Teaching is both verbal direction and modeling behaviour.  In fact, our kids probably learn more from the way you act than the things you tell them. 

How do we prepare them for the world?  We make every moment with them intentional.  We need to stay alert to the “teachable moments” that come when we least expect it. 

·        We stay consistent with our words, expectations, discipline, and actions.

·        We spend time talking with them and practice good communication skills.

·        We express ourselves openly and respectfully.

·        We have clear rules in the home (and we follow them, too!)

·        We give meaningful consequences to misbehaviour.

·        We teach obedience with an open-mind.

I believe the results of all this is that we earn the trust and respect of our children.  When we have this trust and respect, we can more easily teach them about how to make good choices as they grow up.  This is helping our children grow to be wise.  Wisdom is the balance of being determined, sensitive, creative, committed, and self-controlled.  It positions a person to make good choices in their relationships, their work, and their interactions with society.  And the choices our children make will determine the course of their life.  If we, as fathers, choose to intentionally make a difference by living purposefully with our children, they will more likely grow to make wise choices for themselves and the ones they love.   

        Our view on fatherhood can so easily become narrowed to the caring that we lose the perspective on the preparing.  Preparing reminds us of the higher calling of being a dad.  It gives us a purpose and reminds us that there is more to life than working, spending bit of time with the kids, watching TV, going to bed, waking up the next morning and doing it all over again.  In our interactions with our children we need to remember that all we say and do is preparing them for something - living a productive life in a big world. 

A Father's Fight to Find His Baby : People.com

A Father's Fight to Find His Baby : People.com

This is quite the story. I applaud Brandon for his persistence. Fortunately for little Peter, his father had the resources, the interest, and the drive to go to his son - half-way around the planet.

But bringing it closer to home for all of us, I wonder what things all dads need to be doing to be persistent as we are guiding our kids. What about the persistence to not lose our cool when they are clearly losing theirs, or the persistence to hold fast when they are demanding that popsicle we've said "no" to a thousand times in the last half hour. Or what about the persistence that says you are coming home at 10:00 because that is when you need to be home.

Persistence in the setting of limits is tough, yet it is one of the most valuable gifts we can give to our children. They push our boundaries, they challenge our resolve, they compare us to the dad down the street. But deep down they are screaming for us to NOT give in, to bend but not break, to NOT let them have their way all the time. They need us to be consistent with our persistence. Our solid footing gives them security, safety, and most of all it builds up that 5 letter word I believe is the most important word of all - TRUST.

When we break they wonder if they can trust us. When we persist, they are learning they can trust us.

Just remember that in our persistence we bend, we don't break. Bending means there is grace, mercy, understanding, communication, and love. It shows we are listening and that we care.

Thanks, Brandon, for your persistence in finding your boy. May we all have that tenacity as we leave clear footprints for our children.

I See You . . .

"I see you."
It's a beautiful line in "Avatar", the movie by James Cameron.
"I see you."
It is the greeting given by the Omaticaya people meaning that they show deep appreciation for each other and affirm the presence of the other.  They don't see the trappings and posturing of each other - they see each other for who they really are.  It is a sign of deep respect.

As with so many things, this makes me again consider my children.  Do I really see them?  Do I truly appreciate them for who they are meant to be?  It is easy to get caught up in the trappings of what I think my kids need to be like and what I think they should be.

If I really see my kids,

• I will treat them with sincerity and honour.
• I will respect their words and opinions. 
• I will appreciate their humour, 
• I will know their desires and dreams.
• I will follow their conversations and offer my guidance and wisdom as necessary.

Truly seeing my kids means I pay close attention to them and to what is happening around them.  And that is paying attention to what matters to them and to the big picture of their lives.  Perhaps seeing takes more listening than I thought - to see them with my eyes and my ears allows me to see them with my heart more clearly.

Really seeing someone means you need to look into their eyes - deeply.  If we can honestly look our kids in the eyes, they will learn to trust us.  Their eyes are what see us.  And who do they see?  Do they truly see me or do they see someone I'm pretending to be?  Good question.  Makes me wonder about the value of a life of integrity lived out in front of my kids.

I only pray that the attention I give leads them to believe they have been truly seen by a loving and interested father.

What helps you truly see your child?